American Reunion (2012)

So the fourth (or technically 9th, if you were paying attention) instalment of this franchise brings with it a lot of what you would have been expecting, but also probably a lot of what you wouldn't. You would have been expecting crude language, crude humour, sexual innuendo, sex, and the same gang from the previous three movies, all of which are in there.  It should be said that if you didn't find any of the previous three movies at all appealing then you are not going to like this one either.  I don't know why you didn't find any of the previous three movies appealing. Maybe you are old. Or maybe you are just crap.

Anyway, the plot is quite simple - just as in real life, some 10 odd years has passed since the gang graduated from high school and it is time for their reunion.  Maybe this movie makes less sense to people who have not recently been out of high school for 10 years and had their own 10 year reunions (like me). Aaanyway, we get to see what has happened to the merry band in the intervening years and it is not all as you may have predicted (much as is the case at real-life reunions).

Perhaps, before we go any further, I should admit my love for the previous Pies (particularly1 and 2, not so much 3). They came out when I was at a similar age to the kids and could relate to some of what they were going through - as, I am sure, most teenagers could. I have also watched Pies 1 and 2 with the director's and cast's commentary, so if you want to know more about, for example, the posters and artwork used on the walls of the school in the first movies, then I will likely be able to regale you with tales thereof. Ok, fanboi-geekery out of the way, the movie still stands on its own quite well as a slightly melancholy rounding off of the franchise, or, I suppose, as a high school reunion movie on its own (if, for some reason, you haven't seen any of the previous movies). It is much more Zack and Miri make a Porno than it is Romy and Michelle, mind you.

I was glad that they managed to get all of the cast from the original Triolgy back as well (even the Sherminator makes an appearance right at the end). Pies 5 - 8 feature a lot of straight-to-B-video fare with no-name actors bringing shame on the good name of the franchise. This movie is a proper way to round things off.

As for, the movie itself - well, the humour is still fairly obvious and crude and the plot is also pretty obvious and expected, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It manages a few moments of seriousness and even introspection, without getting all emo on itself as could have been the case (and as was the case with far too much of Pie 3).  There is more to this instalment than just jokes and penis humour, though - there is an actual feeling of 10 years having passed, people getting old, looking back, settling down, or still trying to find their way in life. If you could relate to the kids 10 years ago, then you should also be able to similarly relate now.

The main characters themselves have not changed that much - Jim is still getting himself into ridiculous situations, cept that he now has a wife and a kid to deal with; Kevin is still lame and in love with Vicky; Oz is still a jock (and is still in love with Heather); Shitbreak is refreshingly different (and manages not to shag Stifler's mom....); and Stifler is his usual self, though still has parts of the emo version of him from Pie 3, though this time they actually work. 

Some of the jokes were a bit too obvious and some of the vulgartity somewhat unnecessary (like the final scene during the credits - I am not sure we needed to see that) but what were you expecting, Dickens?

I was dreading this movie coming out and sucking and was pleasantly surprised to find out that it didn't - not at all in fact.

All in all, if you like the Pies thus far, you must watch this - you will likely love it. Even if you didn't, you could do a lot worse than checking this one out.

In sum:

Pie 1 (the start of the genre) 9/10

Pie 2 (not as good) 8/10

Pie 3 (not a proper end to the franchise) 7/10

Pie 4 (a proper end to the franchise) 8.5/10

The nonsense which was Pies 5 - 8 do not get ratings - they were not real Pie movies in any case.

PS They allude a lot to "making this an annual thing" in the movie. I hope the directors do not decide to do the same. This is the proper way to end off a franchise.  Like Cantona and Schmeichel, retire when you are at your peak.

Battleship (2012)

In the fourth instalment of the Transformers franchise, our band of unlikely heroes....oh, no, wait. Sorry.  This is not a Transformers movie at all. Depsite the fact that it is made by "the same people that brought you Transformers" as the various previews and pre-release propaganda warned us.  In fact, I retract that intro - to compare this to Transformers, even Transformers 3 which was by far the worst of the lot, would be doing those movies a disservice.

In case you were unaware, this movie is in fact loosely, and I mean loosely, based on the strategy game from the 80s (and perhaps 90s) of the same name.  This is of little import, though, as the writers, when deciding how to spice up a somewhat forgotten game and turn it into a full-length movie, relied on the tried and tested literary device of "Aliens! Let's add aliens!". And so they do just that.  It appears, though, as if these aliens were thought up late one night when everyone had run out of ideas and something needed to be provided to the writers to keep them happy.  It also appears as if the aliens in question have actually watched the Transformers movies and are quite keen to emulate large portions of them. Whether this is actually the case, or whether it has more to do with "the same people who brought you Transformers" being in charge of this one, we will never know.

Anyway, to the movie itself. Well, let us start by saying, it is not good. It is not good at all; in fact, it is pretty awful. But, at least it is awful in a fun way. Even though it clocks in at over 2 and a half hours, I was never really bored at any stage - mildly entertained on an intermittent basis, at best, but never bored.

A quick rundown of the plot, such as it is. Our likeable hero is in the Navy, the actual US Navy (though, their collective bumbling and ridiculousness throughout this piece suggest otherwise - if this is what the Navy is really like, let us hope that someone else steps up to save us from the alien beasties when they really do invade).  He has a "hot" girlfriend (I thought she was pretty average. And she couldn't act) who is (gasp) the daughter of our hero's "bad-ass" commander in chief, played by an already-regretting-it Liam Neeson.  Mr Neeson appears in all the previews for this movie and is all over the first 20 minutes or so. The he disappears, only to return in the last 20 mins or so. In my mind, he was at this stage being chased around the set by the directors, refusing to take any further part in this debacle, only capitulating at the very end when offered even more money. (Unlike Avengers which grossed $200million on opening weekend, this thing somehow cost $200million to make.)

So, we humans have been sending out signals into deep space and finally someone has heard us and come to find out what we were on about. These deep space signals appear to be in the form of loud, multi-coloured lazers. Space also seems quite loud. But anyway. So, the aliens, such as they are, come and say "Howsit". They send ships which crash into the sea, in the middle of the world's biggest naval exercise (lucky coincidence) somewhere near Pearl Harbo(u)r.  They then spend the rest of the movie essentially invading, or attempting to invade, Hawaii, which is about as tense as it sounds.

For some reason, they have also only sent their version of the Navy - their ships are just that - they seem to only function in water. I feel like there are going to be too many plotholes to get into all of them, but here is just a sampling of the questions you might have when leaving the cinema:

Why do we never ask the aliens what they want? They could be bringing us renewable energy or a fountain of eternal life for all that we know. Should we not perhaps have stopped to ask them that before blowing them the hell up?

Never mind the human Navy, how stupid and/or crap were the aliens? They reminded me a lot of the Borg from Star Trek. You could stand right next to one, holding all the weaponry in the world, as long as you didn't look them in the eyes, started whistling and pretended not to be doing anything naughty, they would no longer perceive you as a threat (you would go from red to green in their fututrsitic visor identification thingies, you see). The aliens themselves looked OK, in a Halo-esque kind of way, but without their masks, they appeared to be more like old hippies with spikey beards (who were afraid of  sunlight).

Why was more screen time not devoted to the only person of value in the whole movie - that comic relief scientist, "trapped" on the island with no-acting "hottie" and no-legs Mike Tyson? A lot of his scenes didn't make any sense (like when he escapes with the one thing that can thwart the aliens, after essentially walking right through their base, being "confronted" by one, and then walking out, unscathed) but at least he was funny.

How many people does it take to man a 70 year-old battleship? Apparently around 6. And they can be oooold.

Just how heavy was that "1000 pound" piece of ordinance that a small group of guys managed to shift the  entire length of said battleship in no time at all? It certainly wasn't 1000 pounds. Not on earth, anyway.

If battleships are so maneuverable and can even do hand-brake turns, why are they always getting hit by missiles and the like?

Aaaaanyway, we could be here all day if we carried on like this. Suffice it to say, none of the film makes any sense at all.. Each scene is less plausible and more bad (you heard me) than the last and yet you are never really truly bored when watching it.

I was sad that we didn't get to know more about the aliens, who seemed as inept as their human counterparts throughout.  For me, the movie was summed up in two scenes: the first being early on, where Rihanna (oh yes, she is in it also, for what it is worth) is on a dinghy with a gattling gun, floating around in front of a giant alien spaceship which is proceeding to blow the shit out of various battleships and anything in its general vicinity. So, what does she do? Proceeds to fire at said ship with her little gattling gun, essentially screaming "Yeahhh, booi! Get some!". Wow.

Then, there is a scene where some battleship or other has just been completely decimated by the alien menace, there are wounded people and corpses all around, the sky is literally falling and our dynamic lead muses "I've got a bad feeling about this". Do you? Do you really?

All in all, it is not the worst movie ever. It is kinda fun to watch if you don't ask any questions (not a one) and it is still better than Drive and Happy Feet Two.

4/10

New Years Eve (2011)

"The one night when anything is possible". Indeed. Just like any other night. This movie had so much promise - America's take on Love Actually (officially the best Christmas movie in the world), the Yanks have tried to cash in on the hype which surrounds New Years Eve every year and direct some of this hype into a movie.  

Just like Love Actually, this one has stars, a lot of stars, perhaps all the stars, I'm not sure. While this totally works in the former (perhaps because the majority of them are English) it does not work here.  There are just too many of them, and they are all somehow more hateful than they normally are in the roles which they typically play. Gloria from Modern Family  is here to play Gloria from Modern Family. She is from South America, you see. You can tell by her thick accent. And she is sexual (as all South American women are?). You can tell by her her tight outfits and large breasts.  Ashton Kutcher is there, playing himself. Sarah-Jessica Parker, too. Yuck.  But each one only has what seems a few minutes of screentime, which does not exactly endear them to the audience.

In a completely original twist, the thousand stars in the movie and their respective stories are all interrelated (not like in Love Actually...oh, wait, exactly like that, actually). There is not much of a plot, really. And boy does Michelle Pfeiffer look old. Wow. And I don't heart Zac Efron - maybe because I am not a thirteen year-old girl. But that is probably neither here nor there.

There is not much more to say, really. I didn't care for any of the sub-plots (teenage girls learning to kiss from Youtube videos? Just how old are these chicks? Are they from like the 50s? They certainly don't look like they need to learn how to kiss...). The hateful girl from Glee is there, looking hot, and singing, of course. Izzy from Greys is there, playing Izzy from Greys and even Jon Bon Jovi!

The movie is too long - maybe because it has all the stars in the world in it - and ends on a sugary sweet anything-is-possible voice-over (and Sarah-Jessica-Parker being pulled by a horse and carriage - unintentional irony much?). Oh, and then an uncomfortable-looking dance scene with Mr Efron and Mrs Pfeiffer, which goes on for far too long, and some of the most boring out-takes I have ever seen. Wow.

Just like New Years Eve, New Years Eve is not worth the hype.

2/10 

The Hunger Games (2012)

Tron meets Predators meets Gladiator meets The Most Dangerous Game in this somewhat cautionary tale of proletariat vs aristocrats, set against a backdrop of (albeit blurry) graphic violence.  The story is fairly simple - it is a quasi-future (which means essentially anything goes, and no explanation is needed as to the finer points of the story); something awful has happened to the planet, some disaster or other and ever since, the planet (or North America, at least) has been divided into Districts, ranging from 1 (the best) to 12 (the worst). These Districts are controlled by the ruling, rich upper class who live in a wonderous city called "Capitol" which is like the one in In Time and a lot of other, similarly-themed movies (and books).

At some stage, the Districts rose up against their masters and attempted a revolution, which failed, hard. So now, to remind everyone of their rightful place, every year there are "Hunger Games". One teenage boy and one teenage girl is selected from each District to compete in a last-man-standing event, for the entertainment of the controlling upper class - 24 go in, only one survives....

An interesting-ish premise, despite the fact that we have seen it a lot in previous incarnations of the same tale.  The movie does take an awfully long time to get going - there is considerable build-up and backstory about the leading lady (pictured above) who does her best to carry the rest of the fairly lacklustre cast through this piece (she also gets a lot hotter as the film progresses). I would have preferred less of that and more of the chaos and carnage that ensues when the Games actually start.

And when the Games actually start, we don't even get to see much of the chaos or carnage - as soon as anything mildly interesting happens, the camera starts to shake, wildly, so much so that you struggle to see what exactly is going on - chances are that someone is being maimed or mortally wounded, but it wouldn't hurt to be able to see who, or how.  It was a lot like Transformers in this regard (and that is never a good thing).

I do not want to ruin the "plot" for you, as you should probably watch this one yourself, but think more along the lines of "disappointing predictable and sappy" than "M Knight Shyamalan-esque twist ending". Apart from the increasingly hot lead, there is not much to write home about really, character-wise. I got the feeling that in the books (which I have not read), they had time to introduce and properly develop all the characters sufficiently; here, all we get are short intros of caricatures who are soon killed off in very inevitable ways.

Don't get me wrong - I did not hate the thing and it was a lot better than some of the crap that is out there right now (Twilight and Battleship, I'm looking at you), it is just that considering the movie dragged on for a good 2+ hours, I did not really feel invested in it, or any of the characters. It became pretty clear early on exactly what was going to happen, so it was just a matter of time.

Also, if they were going to give each of the 24 contestants a specific superpower or power at least, could we not have seen them in action? The lead is an archer, so she arches shit (and this we get to see); her opposite number, is a baker, so he is at least good at tossing big sacks of flour about the place, but apparently he leaves this power behind when entering the Games and becomes good at getting stabbed and being pathetic. 

There are young girls who are good at being young and girly and weak (one scene in particular, where one such weakling is killed, really irked me - you'll know the one when you see it); there is a black guy from District 11, which appears to be "the Ghetto". He looks mean and menacing but just as we start to get to know and like him...well, you know what happens....Just like poor old Mr Ecko in the early seasons of Lost. And then there's a big brutish guy, the antagonist, who comes over all emo right at the end. Disappointing.

Aaanyway, I just felt like the movie could have done a lot more with the time and material at its disposal.  It appears, given the final scene, that this will be the start of yet another Trilogy of some kind.  I can't say I am overly looking forward to the next instalment. 

I hope this review gave you a small taste of what the Hunger Games world was like, but left you slightly  underwhelmed and wanting more, cos that is exactly what watching the movie was like.

6/10 

PS How poor were those CGI beasties that got TrumanShow'd into the movie towards the end? Even though our leads' decision not to be sensible and climb a tree to get out of their way seemed somewhat ludicrous at the time, I am not sure I would have run away from such poorly rendered graphics either.

The Iron Lady (2012)

Wow. At last, a great movie. Finally, the hype was merited. It is always harder to find lots of things to say in a review of a movie when it is as brilliant as this, but I shall try my best.

To start with, Meryl Streep, who is not exactly my favourite actress (let's face it, she has been in a lot of pretty average movies in the past) does an amazing job as the lead and the woman around whom the whole movie turns, just as the whole of England did for the 11 years she was in power. Her portrayal of Thatcher is stunning and the make-up used to create the transformation is disconcertingly effective. At only one stage in the movie did I think I was watching an actress play Thatcher and not the Iron Lady herself, and that was only for a moment.

Certainly, the film is not action-packed and focusses a lot on dialogue and the lost art of acting - Hollywood should take note.  You don't need explosions and car chases to make a truly powerful film.

If you have any interest in Margaret Thatcher's life or know nothing about it and are keen to find out more, this is a great starting point. If you are British, the whole movie will be extremely poignant, I am sure.  There are not many things which make British people proud to be British, but this movie, just like the Iron Lady herself, is one thing of which we can be proud.  If you didn't get goosebumps at some stage during this movie, then you are not really British. Even if you are not, you will not be disappointed. 

Go and see it. Now. You will not be disappointed.

8/10

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2012)

Awful, awful, awful.  There is no need to lead you into this review with some fanciful introductory paragraph.  This was worse than Happy Feet Two and I really thought that would set the benchmark for some time when it comes to movies that sucked. But, boy was I wrong.

Oscar-nominated means nothing any more, that much is clear. I should have learnt my lesson after the God-awful Bridesmaids was nominated for something to do with best original comedy screenplay or some such nonsense. Goodness. What next. Well, this dire effort apparently.

So, what is it about? Well 9-11 essentially, which is why Americans have to like it. Talk about pandering. The movie is basically about that kid in the poster, being the most irritating and obnoxious little runt you could ever imagine, running around Manhattan, trying to figure out what life means without his father in it any more. His father, you see, is Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks dies in the Twin Towers, leaving wife, Sandra Bullock, and child, giant irritant mentioned above, somewhat devastated. This is all fair enough; what follows for the new 2+ hours, is not.

In a nutshell, Tom Hanks who exists entirely in flashbacks, has left his son a key in an envelope. And no one knows what it is the key to. So he sets out to find which of Manhattan's apparently infinite locks it fits.  I cannot describe how irritating this kid is. Or how much I was wishing that something unpleasant would happen to him throughout, like that he would fall off something (like a tall building) or onto something (like a bus moving at high speed), or something would fall onto him (like a rabid polar bear). But sadly, none of the above happens. So, we are left to follow this brat around Manhattan for much longer than is necessary to get the film's appallingly feeble "message" across, while we see flashbacks of Tom Hanks being the good dad that he is and Sandra Bullock crying. Hateful.

The other main character is renowned and respected actor, Max von Sydow, who is a mute Holocaust survivor, I think. Well, he is definitely mute, I am just not sure if he is a Holocaust survivor. While this part of the plot was being explained, I was distracted by the child's nauseating antics and didn't pay enough attention. Anyway, somehow he gets roped into following this kid around the city, while generally being abused by him and treated with very little respect at all. In my day....

Aaanyway, some more than two hours later, nothing much has happened. The kid has been obnoxious, Sandra Bullock has cried some more and Tom Hanks has been a flashback. Sadly, the mute has not beaten the kid to death with anything, or even remotely chastised him and neither has anyone else.

Thankfully, the movie does end at some stage. And you are sorry that you have wasted more than two hours of your life that you will never get back. I hope this doesn't win an Oscar - though, these days, who can tell?

My advice - avoid at all costs.

1/10 (I am not sure why it doesn't get 0, but it is certainly worse than Happy Feet Two). Don't say I didn't warn you.

Happy Feet Two (2012)

Synonyms for awful: "abysmal"; "appalling"; "abominable"; "dreadful"; "unspeakable" and now a new entry: "Happy Feet Two". My thesaurus did not contain enough alternatives to accurately describe just how awful this sequel truly was.  I watched the original Happy Feet which was essentially a sweet, animated coming-of-age tale of an underdog dancing penguin finding his "feet" if you will, and his "soul song" or whatever it was, and along the way teaching us that no matter how much of a loser you are when you are a kid (or an adolescent dancing penguin) you can actually do anything you want, if you put your mind to it and sing and dance a lot. It was quite a decent movie all round - this sequel, was not.

The plot, which you don't actually find out from watching the movie itself, but rather from reading reviews thereof on the internet after having watched it (or perhaps before), entails the cast from the first movie, consisting of talking animals, mostly penguins, living in Antarctica, which is not really surprising, and singing and dancing a lot, which is more surprising.  This is not so much the problem - indeed, the first movie involved essentially the same premise. This time around, however, everything that worked in the first movie falls completely flat. For one thing, none of the characters appear to be from the same country - it seems as if the directors thought the thicker the accent, the bigger the laughs. This was a mistake.  Robin Williams still voices two equally irritating and quite difficult to understand penguins; there is an old Scottish Braveheart penguin; a number of irritating young penguins/seals who are from Oliver Twist; there is a black American penguin family who spend the whole movie basically saying things which might just as well be, "Yo, man, we black, yo - can ya dig? Dayam!" and a new character, Sven, who appears first as a penguin who comes from "Svenland" which seems to be Sweden. And Holland. And Italy. And Spain. His accent was like a broken voice synthesizer. It did not go well. There are two krill, voiced by Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, who add the only laughs of the entire movie. I think they are also meant to be some kind of life lesson about being yourself and not following the herd (or swarm of krill). But even they only have a few good lines, and they even repeat one of those! There are also Australian elephant seals, who say "No worries, mate" a lot. So much so that you think they are trying to make it a "thing". Well, they don't succeed. Frodo Baggins voices Mumble, who adds very little, but does spend a lot of time walking around, just like in LOTR, only it is never really explained why he is walking or where he is going.

The first perhaps 40 minutes of the movie seem to go by without any actual plot of any sort emerging. There are penguins, and they are in Antarctica and stuff and they sing and dance a LOT (as you would), but other than that, I was really struggling to work out what exactly what was going on. There was no cohesion, no tension, no build-up, no sense of direction. And it is not as if this situation improves as the movie progresses.  There is more singing, which is loud, and shots of Antarctic vistas, which are bright. There are also jokes, which are not funny, and what you might call "lessons" which are not subtle. In case you missed the the thrust of these messages, which you definitely didn't, mankind is bad, very bad.  Our ways are destroying the Happy Feet penguins and all their friends and we should all feel very very bad about it. To further ram the point home, perhaps 10 full minutes are devoted to the one penguin  (the one with a brightly coloured jersey on) singing and air guitaring his way through a montage of various man-made catastrophes in some kind of homage to the awfulness of mankind - there are oil slicks, melting polar ice caps, shifting glaciers and people eating chicken (gasp!). Wow, I feel so bad. 

I suppose the most stand-out character is "Sven". He is a flying penguin who is there to teach Oprah's if-you-can-dream-it-you-can-do-it "wisdom" to all the little penguins. They can even fly! Just by trying hard enough and believing in themselves. Or by being a puffin. Which is what Sven actually is. I think there is also meant to be some kind of tension between Sven and Mumble's (from the first movie) son, who idolises Sven cos he is a penguin who can fly, which is pretty cool I guess. Until they find out that "he is just a poofin, but he has run out of poof". Goodness.

Moving on, it is not as if this review was going to be anything other than disjointed, as that was exactly what the movie was like. So, there is more singing. And then some more singing. All the songs are awful to the point of being embarrassing, especially Mumble's kid's solo towards the end of the movie, when he finally finds his voice or whatever: "You don't need to be colossal to beee a greaaat heaaaart / You don't have to flyyyy to be aaaaawesome". Krikey. 

The finale of sorts does involve all the penguins, krill, elephant seals and the one puffin stomping their feet to Under Pressure by Queen which was always going to be cool. What they are actually doing at this point is pretty ridiculous so I am not even going to go into it. And I think that the movie actually ends pretty soon thereafter, which is probably the best part. The reviews I have read have said that this movie is around 1 hour 40mins long. It felt like about 5 hours of endlessly pointless singing, dancing, shouting, bad accents, shameful environmental messages and also bad accents. And singing.

The worst movie I have seen since starting this Blog. Which is certainly saying something. One review I read stated it was "approximately 48 times worse than the original". Which sounds about right.

Just remember, the next time things are going really, really badly for you, like if you are having a crappy day at work, or being stabbed, things might be bad, but they will never be "Happy Feet Two" bad.

You have been warned.

2/10


PS Sure, this might not have been the worst movie ever, but I am trying to think of a worse sequel. Answers on a postcard.